By Sandy Heinisch and David Nicoll

During this season of the year, most people look forward to spending time and energy celebrating the joys of the holidays. However, for those who are grieving, this may instead mean time spent in painful memory of what used to be.

For people in grief, the following tips may help to ease those days filled with the pain of lost loved ones.

• Give yourself permission to do exactly what you want to do. If you choose to decorate the home, it’s OK. If you choose not to decorate, that’s OK, too. Don’t push yourself into something you might regret. Take time to make any decision. After the death of our son, my husband and I could not bear to have a Christmas tree, especially one filled with childhood ornaments made from macaroni. It took us four years to be ready to celebrate with a different type of tree, and we gave ourselves permission not to decorate it as we once did.

• Acknowledge the pain and allow yourself to feel. Let some things slide. If you really want to make all those Christmas cookies, bake away, but don’t force yourself to do more than you are capable of doing. Grieving is hard work, and you get very tired very quickly.

• Talk with your family. Ask them what they want to do. The one thing most mourners want is the old normalcy. But they may not be able to return to that. They might have to develop a new “normal.” Talking to the family is important during this time.

• Tell others what you want and need for the holidays. This isn’t the time to be shy and reserved about what you want to have happen. If you just can’t bear to have turkey for Thanksgiving, then have ham or roast beef. It’s not the food that’s important . . . it’s the gathering. Honor the old and create the new. The memories of your loved ones will be with you whether you celebrate these days or not. This is the time to create the new holiday traditions.

• Don’t shy away from recalling the good memories of your loved one. It’s very rare at a family gathering that we don’t include the funny memories of our son. Speak about them, share the laughter, recall the silliness that you remember. That’s what is important.

(Sandy Heinisch and David Nicoll are the authors of “Lights for Dark Places.” More information is available at www.LightsForDarkPlaces.com. Heinisch, a grief minister, counselor and nurse, recently presented a workshop on bereavement ministry for parishes in the Diocese of Oakland.)

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