Steve McCoy-Thompson

By Gerald Korson
Voice correspondent

It may be stating the obvious, but men are different from women — particularly when it comes to human relationships. They generally are more reticent than women to communicate and express themselves fully, either with loved ones or with God.

And yet men have many of the same interior needs, needs that often go unmet — a yearning for camaraderie, friendship, accountability, support, and balance in life. They need to believe they can truly trust someone before they are willing to open up with their most personal thoughts and feelings.

For Pleasanton residents Steve McCoy-Thompson and Randy Haykin, that’s where men’s faith-sharing groups can help. They are the co-authors of “Fuel: Catholic Men Living the Faith” (Ave Maria Press, 2008, $12.95), a concise guide to organizing and conducting small faith groups for men.

Both men are converts to the Catholic faith, and both say they have benefited from participating in faith-sharing groups. Both are involved in Boys of Breakfast, a twice-monthly men’s group that Haykin founded eight years ago.

“So often men get so caught up in, ‘Well, I’m not going to share my faith and my feelings like that with a bunch of strangers,’” McCoy-Thompson told The Catholic Voice. “Men have souls and souls have needs, but sometimes we are so wary of getting too touchy-feely that we don’t want to go there.”

However, he added, “My own experience is that if you can get men to focus on the camaraderie of just getting together and spending time, then the spirituality will flow out of that.”

Haykin said that while men often gather for what he calls “tribal” rituals — watching sports together, playing cards, having a beer — they also sometimes welcome the chance for more substantial interaction.

“We find that when you offer a certain type of man an opportunity for fellowship at a deeper level and for connecting to God — to share ideas on how to be a better father, a better husband, and a better community member — he jumps at it,” explained Haykin, chairman of a financial consulting firm.

“Just like women, some men yearn to express themselves more and to address the many issues of balance they have in their lives, such as how to juggle work, relationships, personal health, family and spirituality.”

But some men are not comfortable sharing certain things with women present and the small groups help them to build enough trust to be able to emerge from their masculine shell.

“I’m a talker, but a lot of guys aren’t,” said McCoy-Thompson. “When you get them into a broader family situation, with men and women, sometimes their voices get drowned out. By having just men there, there’s opportunity for them to talk.”

Initiated into the Catholic Church a few years apart, both Haykin and McCoy-Thompson experienced a certain “emptiness” after the RCIA process was completed and their days of group sharing and reflection came to an end. That was what led Haykin to found Boys of Breakfast.

“The ‘Boys’ have helped me to think about topics I never would have on my own, including growing strong Christian children, loving my wife more, filling my life with God’s word and enhancing my relationship with Jesus,” he said.

Each meeting opens with one of the “Boys” leading in a prayer and a joke, “both of which are important,” said McCoy-Thompson, founder of Community to People (www.c2people.org), a Bay Area micro-lending initiative designed to help the working poor through short-term financial crises.

Then there’s some kind of activity, perhaps a book or particular topic to discuss. It’s “fairly casual,” he said, and while the 30 or so members come and go as their schedules allow, there are usually at least 15 attending any one meeting.

The two men also offer seminars and workshops and sponsor a website (www.faithbalance.com) on how both men and women can achieve a balanced life and integrate their faith into their daily lives. Another book, tentatively titled “Life Balance,” is in the works.

In co-writing “Fuel,” McCoy-Thompson and Haykin aimed to offer a resource that will advance the growing movement of men’s small faith groups in Catholic parishes and provide a solid resource. Early feedback has been very positive, they said.

The book offers tips on how to start a men’s group along with prayers and discussion starters for two dozen meetings. The format and discussion topics offered are meant to inspire, they said, and group leaders are encouraged to adapt their suggestions to their own circumstances.

“We hope that the book will make it easier for groups of men to get a faith group started,” Haykin said. “We hope the website will encourage these groups to continue their work, provide resources for their groups, and a forum for them to discuss further the areas of ‘life balance’ that they seek out.”

It all comes back to relationship, said McCoy-Thompson.

“Christ really emphasized relationships, and God planted the need for relationships for a purpose, so that we will reach out to people, because we find God in others,” he said. “Miracles often happen when people share faith. This is a vehicle to do that.”

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