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December
11, 2006
VOL.
44, NO. 22Oakland,
CA
For the grieving, Christmas is a difficult time
For those
in grief, Christmas can be the most miserable time of the year.
“People often just so dread it or have so much anxiety around it
they want to pretend that it is not happening,” said Barbara Gordon,
a certified psychotherapist and bereavement coordinator for Sutter Hospice
VNA and Hospice in San Leandro. She encourages people who are mourning
the absence of a loved one to plan how to approach the holiday.
“The more that they can think about it and put some plans in place
the easier it is going to be when the day comes,” said Gordon, who
formerly served as grief ministry coordinator for Catholic Charities of
the East Bay. This is especially important for people who don’t
have any family members nearby and may find themselves alone, “and
that’s pretty awful for a holiday.”
It’s important to give oneself space to grieve, if that is what’s
needed, she said. For example, “if you are with other people and
suddenly it is just too much, have a plan.” This might include taking
a bathroom break or going outside for a walk.
The idea is to think about these things ahead of time so that when the
day comes an individual will know how they want to spend the day. This
might include incorporating the deceased one by lighting a candle or finding
another symbol to honor their memory.
Gordon also stresses that nothing is written in stone, and people can
change their minds at the last minute. “It’s good to have
a Plan B,” she added.
For some people, determining how to handle Christmas traditions can be
an issue. Individuals should ask themselves how much a tradition means
to them and what would happen if the tradition were changed. Much depends
on the answer.
For example, for some people it would not be Christmas without a Christmas
tree. But if someone can’t bring herself to put up a tree, perhaps
she can find someone else to decorate it for her or with her, Gordon said.
Individuals may choose to do things entirely differently. Gordon has had
people tell her that they cannot “face Christmas this year”
and opt instead to go away on a cruise. “That’s OK, too, but
it does not mean you have to cruise every year,” she said.
Having spiritual support during the holidays can make a big difference
for those in grief. Being around members of their parish family can make
their loss easier to bear.
For some people, however, going to church can be too difficult because
attending Mass without their loved one feels overwhelming. Gordon once
advised a client in this situation to go to another church if that would
help.
Despite the painful feelings that may arise, Gordon also encourages people
in grief to embrace the memories of their deceased loved ones during the
holiday season.
“I really encourage them, if it is appropriate, to remember the
person, to bring out the photographs, to share the memories,” she
said. “Just because they are not there in body does not mean they
are not there in spirit – and these are people who loved this person.”
Sometimes people feel guilty if they find some joy during the holiday
season, Gordon said. She reassures them that the holidays often evoke
conflicting emotions, especially when one is still grieving the death
of a loved one. She encourages her clients to look for all the happiness
and joy that they can find. “I always say that the grieving is right
there, right next to the joy. They are two sides of the same coin.”
